Hustlers Review (Feat J-Lo, Cardi B, Lizzo, Usher and I think that might be Ted Kalinsky somehow wtf)

550 words, I don't know what this is.

At the request of Lili Reinhart, I watched the movie Hustlers tonight. My 8-month-old border collie, also a feminist and also very much into having fun, was excited at the idea. Despite being both a dog and seemingly unable to understand feminist theory, she loves light-hearted films with culturally significant undertones. Perhaps one day I should try and figure out why that is, but trying to formulate a method to determine how this is occurring would require some serious thought. And lately I’ve been coming to terms with the idea that when I step into the conceptual why or how, I become distracted from that in front of me. That being a thrilled dog wagging her tail at J-Lo being a stripper/mum/criminal/friend. 

As anyone who knows me well would tell you, the only celebrity Lars loves more than Jennifer Lopez is Usher. And when Usher appeared in the film being both cool and rich, and all the beautiful women put on a big sexy show for him, I thought, wow, this movie is incredible. But, the part of the film I loved most (Ollie thought so too) was J-Lo’s performance. 

Perhaps the undertones of decadence, poverty -- and how we should be striving towards material opulence at the expense of all other facets of earthly existence --  in the film did trigger some part of me who would once get rather upset at this societal reality we are all hopelessly entangled with. But that Lars is no longer with us; this new guy’s only concern is with celebrity cameos (Ollie and I both became elated when we figured out that Lizzo and Cardi B acted in the film.)

Instead of writing a traditional movie review, which is so often glib, I have decided to write a poem of appreciation using Jennifer Lopez’s character’s quotes from the film. The following has been prepared in such a way that it is best read while imagining Jennifer Lopez’s voice and butt. 

-

Doesn’t money make you horny? 

Well climb in my fur, baby

I was a centrefold once

I’m just a people person, I guess

But what first motivated me wasn’t anything I read

I just got mad seeing the machines ripping up the woods

Motherhood is a mental illness 

-

You got the carousel

The fireman 

Front-hook

Anklehook

If the system breaks down the consequences will be very painful. 

Stag

Reverse stag

Peter pan

Superman

The bigger the system grows

The more disastrous the results of its breakdown will be

You could try the scissor sit

Fairy sit

Genie

Martini

Hood ornament

Tabletop

So if it is to break down 

And, of course, the inverted crucifix

It had best break down sooner rather than later

-

Get out

You’re a triple-threat

Our society tends to regard as a sickness any mode of thought

Or behavior

That is inconvenient for the system

You’re new

You’re Asian

You’re gorgeous.

You must be cleaning up

And this is plausible because when an individual doesn’t fit into the system

It causes pain to the individual as well as problems for the system

Thus the manipulation of an individual to adjust her to the system is seen as a cure 

For the sickness 

And therefore as good

You followed the green brick road, baby